Listening to your wife (or girlfriend or significant other or whatever)

"Women don't want sex, Buddy. Women want love."

There is no better way in a woman's eyes to say, "I love you" than to

• stop,
• put everything else aside, and
• really, deeply listen
  • not just to what she has to say,
  • but to what she's feeling and
  • what she's going through in her life.

For an amazing 8 out of 10 women we interviewed, the biggest complaint they had about their relationships was, "He doesn't listen to me!" Penis size wasn't even mentioned!

Don't they understand? We're men! Hunters! In the age of the caveman, we spent many hours in silence waiting for prey. Through the ages, we spent time in foxholes or clandestine meetings where one's guard and silence were his only protectors. Talking and listening have traditionally been mortal risks for men! He who talks is a rat!

No excuses, though. Want to improve your relationship? Does she want you to improve your relationship? (Remember that improving your relationship will likely get you more of what you want out of it, namely better food and more sex!)

All you have to do is Listen!

• Step 1: Make a plan. Tonight, at dinner, you'll turn off the TV, sit at the table, and pay attention to what she says.
  • If you have other plans, cancel them.
  • If you were planning on going out, don't. When you're out, you're looking at other women, playing voyeur with other people's conversations, thinking about food, etc.
  • Minimize distraction so you can pay attention.
  • Put your food on real plates, and your beverages in glassware.
  • Find those candle holders you got for your wedding or that she bought at that candle party. Put candles in them and light them. Something about this really helps.
  • Sit down when she sits.
• Step 2: Pay attention to what she says. Talk with her. Ask her how her day was.
  • We, as men, hate asking and answering that question.
  • Women really dig it! That's why they always ask us. So do it. It's painless and pleasant and makes a Romance-Guru of you.
• Step 3: Acknowledge what she's saying by your responses: That is, show her that you are listening.
  • Nod.
  • Say, "Yeah." "Uh-huh." "I know what you mean." "Ouch." Something that resembles a human response to what she's saying.
  • If appropriate, acknowledge how she's feeling. "So that must have really pissed you off." "That must have hurt your feelings."
  • Don't just parrot, like those "active listening" courses tell you to do. She expects you to be listening more carefully than that. "I hear you saying that your boss made a pass at you today," will probably get you in a ton of trouble!
• Step 4: Most important! You must act as though you really care. Of course, this is much easier to do if you really do care! But if you pretend long enough and hard enough, you really will care. And when you really do care what she's talking about, everything else will get better as well. (Yes, including the passion and frequency of sex!!!)
• Step 5: Stay and listen until she calls the conversation. This will blow her away.
  • If she says, "this must be very boring for you...," don't say, "Yes it is." Say something like, "Honey, I'm here for you. Tell me more."
  • You may find yourself talking deeply about things that are important to you. Maybe not. But you may also find yourself enjoying talking with your S.O.. For God's sake, don't tell your friends you do this. Just enjoy having a special and meaningful relationship that includes sex.
• Step 6: Ask her, at some point, not necessarily during this particular conversation simply to get your attention when she wants to talk with you.
  • Tell her that what she has to say is important, no matter how pointless, meaningless, or trivial it might actually be. More important than what's on the TV or whatever you might be focused on. [Hey. No one said this would be easy. Ouch.]
  • Ask her, please, to get your attention first when she wants to talk with you. If you're watching the game, ask her to stand between you and the TV (which will be the most effective way to get your attention).
  • Warn her that you might need a minute sometimes before you listen to her, and that you need to be able to be the judge of what that minute is. If you're in the middle of dropping that new engine in your vehicle, you know there are times when you can't be interrupted without serious risk of injury to yourself.
  • Then live up to your word. Let her interrupt you and give her the time whenever possible. You'll find that the interruptions decrease, but you'll probably miss something like Mark McGwire's 71st homer of the season while you and she are making the adjustment. Sorry. You'll benefit in the end. Trust us.
• Step 7: Practice listening between the lines. She gives you lots of clues about what she wants from you, from life....
  • Do this only after you have done steps 1 through 5 at least.
  • Often the clues are simple.
    • If she says,"What a headache!" Grab her a couple of Advil and rub her neck and shoulders.
    • "What an awful day," usually means she needs to vent. At this point you don't really have to pay attention to what she says, you just have to act like you are. She just wants to get the stress of the day off her chest, and she probably won't expect or want a response. She may, however, give you other tips on being a Romance-Guru during her release speech, so you may want to pay attention.
  • Sometimes clues are really subtle. We can't give you an example, because we aren't the least bit subtle. Pay attention and focus on her needs and the light bulb will go on. Fulfill her needs and she will do the same for you.

(P.S. Don't bother renting Rambling Rose. We screened it for you. Other than a few shots of Laura Dern's unsubstantial breasts, it's a total chick flick. You already learned above most of what you're going to learn from this movie.)

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